Reflection on 7-day Silent Illumination Retreat Part 4

Yesterday, a friend asked me, "Was it worth attending the retreat?" My answer was a resounding yes. When asked if I would go again, I said, "Absolutely."

I believe retreats offer city dwellers a precious opportunity to temporarily escape the mundane aspects of life, letting go of all entanglements to be completely with oneself. Over these seven days, I discovered many subtle thoughts within myself. Some were fleeting, like meteors streaking across the night sky—gone before I could fully grasp them. Others were more prominent, such as the "big ego" I mentioned in my first post, what Buddhism calls arrogance. Many realizations sprouted like new buds on branches, emerging one by one in a short time. Overall, the experience was incredibly rewarding.

However, I think attending such a retreat once or twice a year is sufficient. I've heard some people become addicted to retreats because this secluded life offers a temporary escape from the complexities of everyday life, providing some healing. Yet, if one becomes dependent on such retreats, attending one after another, it becomes unnecessary. As the Chinese saying goes, “大隐隐于市”—True hermits live in the bustling city. Life itself is a form of practice, and every moment is an opportunity to cultivate awareness. While retreating from the world can certainly remove stimuli that trigger our emotions, leaving us in peace with fewer worries, ultimately, it is a form of escapism.

Among the retreat participants, I was one of the few attending an intensive retreat for the first time. The others appeared very zen, as if they had transcended worldly concerns. Surprisingly, on the last day, when the Chan Master asked everyone to share their feelings, many spoke of their anxieties and the pressures they face in daily life. It was then that I realized they, too, had many worldly entanglements. A woman from Taiwan sitting next to me started crying as she shared her story. She said, trembling, "I've spent my whole life in tension, and only here have I learned what it means to relax." I felt a deep sadness, realizing that the sufferings of the world are beyond my imagination.

Another significant outcome of this retreat is that I formally took refuge and became a Buddhist. On the last day, there was a refuge ceremony, and I was one of the three participants who had not yet undergone this formal ritual. I decided to seize the opportunity and took refuge, officially becoming a Buddhist. Previously, I never called myself a Buddhist because, aside from enjoying reading about Buddhism, I didn't know much about the formal rituals. I considered myself more spiritual than religious. I received a Dharma name, Kuan 宽 Mi 谧. "Kuan" means broad, and “Mi" means calm and peaceful. I love this name as it embodies the qualities I aspire to have. The Chan Master said that although she didn’t know how the Shifu chose the names, people always find a connection with their given names. Perhaps this is fate at work.

This wraps up my reflections on this retreat. There are many more details to share, which I will recount in future posts. In conclusion, I want to say that we are all practitioners in the world because life itself is a spiritual retreat. Living in the present moment is the best healing.

Best wishes,

Janice L.