Reflection on 7-day Silent Illumination Retreat Part 1

Today marks the third day since returning from the 7-day silent illumination retreat. After two days of rest at home, I feel my exhausted body gradually recovering. It's time to start reflecting on this unforgettable retreat. Because so much happened during this period, with different insights each day, this reflection will be published in several parts.

This retreat experience can be described as "painful yet joyful." The pain refers, of course, to the persistent bodily aches from continuous day and night sitting meditation over the seven days. From my spine and shoulders down to my tailbone, hips, and thighs, everything was sore. By the last few days, I couldn't maintain a cross-legged sitting position for more than 20 minutes without needing to change my posture, even though each meditation session typically lasted 30-45 minutes. There were 6-7 such sessions a day. As you can imagine, this was a tremendous challenge for the body. Fortunately, I had the foresight to prepare many medicated patches before the retreat, just in case. These turned out to be lifesavers, effectively alleviating my pain and helping me persevere.

Aside from the physical discomfort, what initially unsettled me was the living conditions there. The day before departure, I was informed that the dormitory’s water tank was broken, meaning there would be no water available. Washing up, bathing, and using the toilet all had to be done in different buildings, and because of the number of people, we had to bathe in shifts. I arrived late in the afternoon, and my assigned bathing time was right then, but I had to rush for the orientation, leaving no time for a bath. It was exceptionally hot that day, and not being able to bathe made me feel sticky and very uncomfortable all night. I felt quite annoyed and blamed the retreat center for not fixing the water tank in time, thinking it was their responsibility to ensure our daily needs were met. I realized I tend to avoid inconvenience in life and am unaccustomed to dealing with such hassles. However, living in a convenient urban environment comes at a high cost, something I may not have fully appreciated. Clean surroundings and easy transportation rely on substantial human and material resources. Many places in the world lack such conveniences, and I’ve taken them for granted, expecting these facilities to always be maintained for my comfort.

Upon arrival, I was just in time for dinner, so I dropped my luggage and headed straight to the dining hall. They offered a buffet with a few vegetarian dishes, rice, soup, and simple fruit options. Exhausted and hungry, I instinctively took a lot of food, only to realize once seated that I had to finish everything I took. I had clearly taken too much, but looking around at others' clean plates, I knew I had to do the same. I managed to eat it all, but I felt overly full and uncomfortable. This made me realize that in my daily life, I tend to want more than I need, especially during grocery shopping, leading to food spoiling and waste. I often think I need to buy extra to avoid running out, a mindset stemming from a lack of security. Sometimes having too much becomes a burden. For instance, I feel regret when food spoils before I can eat it, or when impulse purchases like clothes sit unworn for years. These experiences reflect my desire for more than I actually need, driven by wants rather than needs.

During the evening orientation, I learned we had to wake up at 4 AM daily (I initially thought it would be 5 AM) and sleep at 10 PM, allowing only six hours of sleep. This schedule raised concerns for me. What shocked me most was that every participant had to complete assigned chores as work practice twice daily, and I was assigned to clean the women’s restroom in the dining hall. Hearing this felt like a bolt from the blue. I thought, "Oh no!! I’m not here to clean bathrooms! Why me?" Instantly, I felt a great sense of dissatisfaction. Then a voice in my head said, "You said you want to serve people; maybe this is where you should start." I replied, "But I didn’t mean to serve people in this way." The voice responded, "Maybe the first lesson here is to get rid of your ego." I suddenly realized how big my ego was. I thought I was too good for such work. The voice continued, "Do you think anyone else here should be doing this work instead of you?" I was speechless. If I thought the job was awful, why should anyone else have to do it? This was a display of arrogance and bias. I always claimed to believe in the dignity of all work and equality, but when faced with cleaning toilets myself, I felt uncomfortable. This revealed my true lack of respect for certain types of work, despite my polite expressions of gratitude.

The first day was overwhelming for me due to these experiences, and we also had to turn in our phones upon arrival. I didn’t bring any pens, paper, or books either. From the moment I entered the retreat center, I barely spoke to anyone, not even a simple "Hi," and avoided eye contact. We followed the schedule on the wall, and a bell signaled the time. Additionally, the grounds were teeming with caterpillars, making it difficult for me, someone who fears bugs, to avoid stepping on them.

That’s all for now, more reflections to come.

Thanks,

Janice L.